Month: January 2016

An Open Letter to my Former Friend

Once upon a time I had a friend.  One whom I spent a lot of time with and helped shape me into the person I am today.  This friend helped me step out of my shell and explore life I would never done by myself.

This was a friend who taught me it was OK to be different.  It’s OK to act like a little kid in a grown up world and remember the wonder of experiencing something new.  They made me feel strong at a time when my world was not.  They gave me the confidence to be feminine when I have always been and seen as a tomboy.  They gave me the knowledge that both worlds can exist at once. They introduced me to things like the theater, dance and life outside of my hometown.

I thought we would be friends for ever.

We weren’t/aren’t.

And I miss them.

Let me clarify, I miss who we were together.  Life took us on separate paths for a reason.  I love the path I am on now and hope they also love their path.

We stayed friends for some very important events in each others lives.  Over time I could feel us drifting apart but I held on to the thought we were just in a growing phase and all would work out.  It did . . . just not how I pictured.

Too many things have been said and unsaid  for us to work our way back to each other, at least to the extent our lives once held.  I understand that this friend was more of an important role in my life than I was in theirs, I am good with that knowledge.  I am not good with how things ended; with hurt feelings and misunderstandings.

Over time we have peripherally checked in on each other.  This is good and bad.  I know how they are doing, which is great!  Also know that it will not go any further than this, we have tried.  The fit is just not the same.

Part of the reason why I miss this person is selfish.  There are very few people who are still in my life from a certain stage in my life.  A stage in my life that really defined who I am.  As I get older and need a reminder of that strong, courageous person I once was the people to call on are far and few between.  It’s like a foundation with huge patches 20160123_175140missing.

My current support posts are strong, and I love them.  Could not ask for better people in my life, please do not misunderstand.  To use another metaphor, its like putting on your favorite sweat shirt or sweater.  It is worn and thread bare in parts, but you still wear it because it is a part of you.  It still makes you feel cozy and comfortable despite the worn cuffs and that you need to wear another shirt underneath to stay warm and not expose any unmentionables.  You know that shirt, in fact I am wearing mine now.

To my former friend, it’s time I let you know I miss you.  I forgive you and hope you can also forgive me.  Most importantly
I wish you well in life.

Banned Words

It’s funny to think last year we were worried about my son’s speech. His speech was better than it was six months previously, but still not what an almost 3 year old typically can speak.  Now at almost 4 he talks non stop and picks up new words and phrases every where!

With this new found skill we banned several words in our home.  There are the usual ones of course, the adult curse words are a given.  We have others;  fat, stupid, dumb, idiot, faggot, gay, retarded.  There are also phrases and shows that we do not allow too.  This post is about the words.

These words cause pain, hurt and ignorance.  Things we avoid, they do not help anyone including the person who says them.  It shows a lack of thought, empathy, and creativity.  When I was a teacher in juvenile corrections and my students would curse, we were not allowed to correct them.  My students often asked why I did not curse or like cursing.  I explained to them cursing is limiting, they are filler words for when you cannot think of something else to say, they lack creativity.  So too do our banned words.

The one that stands out to me now is stupid.  I am seeing this word thrown around a lot lately, particularly in regards to a viral post that was about the power ball and math.  Many people called the other people who shared the post or wanted the post to be true these hurtful ignorant words.

Yes the math was wrong, but I do not think that is what people were thinking about when they shared or believed the post.  I know it was not when I first read/saw it.  I thought how great would it be to give everyone a chance to improve their life.  My children would not have to worry about how we are going to pay for school, where we are going to live, or how we are going to keep up with food and clothes for my two cherubs.  I am sure many others feel the same way.  Does that make us dumb or stupid that we did not check the math before hand, no.  It made us hopeful . . . or maybe even a little desperate.

Every “mistake” is a learning experience in our world.  This one was a lesson to remember to not let eagerness for a better life get in the way of  checking the work and keep the negativity to a minimum.  It benefits no one.

How about we use our creativity and think of other words instead of the banned ones when someone is handed a life lesson.

Distractions

The last few days between work and family I have spent a good portion of my time organizing.  organizing toys, books, coupons.  The last one has taken a majority of the time, and worth it as it will help with even more savings in the long run.

It is also very tedious work.  I have one of those personalities that requires background noise while working stationary.  As I am caught up on the majority of my shows I started watching Jessica Jones.  There is something about this show that just sucks me in.  Its not the best acting, the language is a bit harsh unnecessarily and the gratuitous sex scenes are distracting. Yet I keep watching!

Even now as I should be heading out the door for work I cannot stop watching . . . . .

Not your typical New Year Post

I know, I know it is already day 5 of the New Year and I am just getting to the obligatory New Year post.  Most people  post about that they are going to change this year and how things are going to be different.

The past few years the thinking has been, if this was different I could just or if this would just happen everything would just be better. It never did.

This year, its about what I can do to change.  What can I do differently?  This is what I came up with:

2016 Task List

Ongoing:

Strengthen and get in shape (Mind, Body, Emotion, and Spiritual)

Spend more time in real time in the here and now, keep focused on the future and stop dwelling on the past.

Provide the best life for G & H emotionally, physically, financially

Spend more time with family

Look to self for events unfolding instead of blaming others

Write more

Read more

More supportive of C

 

This year:

Do things a little differently, step out of comfort zone.

Get a grant to turn Karen’s Cleaning into a reality

Finish school for Medical coding and billing

Complete H’s blanket

Complete family blanket

Home repairs

Home organization

Start savings account

Pay off debt

-Credit cards

-H’s hospital bills

-Sisters

– Parents

Take a vacation

 

Some steps have already some of these.  Already read a book this year, and I started contacting organizations to set up my Home Cleaning service.  As to the writing, this comes in two fold.  One is this blog.  More posts will be written, just not all about the book I being worked on, but about life.  As my readers are mostly my family anyway, this will most likely become more of a place for me to sound off when I need to work things out,  Sometimes writing helps me clear my head better then speaking.  The second is working on the Forgotten.  The Tribe of the Moon has laid dormant long enough.  its time for it to shine brightly.  Only I can make that happen.

Here is to a New Year and a new me, they are both going to be amazing!